Could Someone Just Sweep This Floor Please?

And why can you buy hot dogs here too?

I poke fun at all my terrible dates, but the truth is that online dating has helped me to figure out better what I want and don’t want in a person. It has also helped me to solidify my self worth. On top of all that, I have had the ability to meet men that I normally may have never been able to meet.

Not all of my dates have been terrible. Some have led to wonderful friendships. When I was living in Hawaii, online dating led me to a friendship with a man that is quite organic and wonderful. He is a retired military man turned artist who has a kind soul and a passionate disposition. He is the type of person who will tell you what you need to hear on the days you need to hear it, and it will be sincere. I’m grateful to have him in my life.

Another friendship is with The Greek. I’m starting to think I have a thing for men in uniform. The Greek is in the army and just became an attorney. He is a super ambitious and good man, but on his own life path that is different than mine. My first date with him was quite possibly one of the most fun dates I had been on in a while. He was so mellow and able to laugh at himself that it set the tone for an incredibly awkward evening that was fantastic.

We met at a beer bar that has games and encourages peanut shells on the floor. As a side note, the peanuts on the floor vibe makes me cringe. I clearly like order and neatness in my life. This bar also has all male bartenders that look like the Bounty paper towel lumberjack in red flannel complete with beards and the occasional man bun. What could possibly go wrong at a hipster bar?

I walk in and there is this incredibly attractive man who clearly loves showing off his beautiful tattoo work on his chest. I didn’t complain about his shirt being unbuttoned so much. Come to find out, this is his signature look (eye roll). After seeing this initially, it popped up a D-Bag red flag. I was glad I was wrong.

We start talking and his voice is much deeper than I pictured. It’s actually warm and rich and nice to listen to. It makes him sound serious, even though he isn’t a completely serious person. We decide to play Jenga, and low and behold there is another couple next to us on an awkward first date. This is where the date gets awesome, and only because I love awkward.

They invite us to play. It’s clear that we are all going to be a buffer for each other. The other man is dressed like he is going to a fancy club and may or may not have some powder up his nose. He has on jeans that potentially will decrease the circulation and chances of procreating in the future. He’s wearing a tailored shirt with an obscure pattern, and he may or may not have had a shell necklace on. A man choker if you will…

The girl is dressed like she’s uncomfortably trying to dress nice but goes home to a more goth appearance and if she rummages enough in her sock drawer, there will be torn fishnet stockings and maybe a spiked dog collar necklace….not from Halloween. They look a bit mismatched. Their body language shows that she is more into him and he’s being polite. I take it back, he was actually more polite to his beer.

He focuses his attention on me. He’s skeevy and this is weird. However, The Greek and I are winning. I appreciate his competitive spirit. So, I’m really only focusing my attention on steady hands and the man candy next to me. “Daria” notices what is happening and starts with her rude insults. She informs The Greek that he looks like Tim Curry. He almost spits out his beverage. I can’t help myself and ask, “From Clue or Rocky Horror”? She informs us that both, because both were Tim Curry. She looks at me like I’m a moron. I ignore it because it’s a first date and I don’t need The Greek to see what a bitch I can actually be. I pull up a picture and show him because he appears to be confused. He looks at it aghast. I can’t stop awkwardly laughing. It gets better.

I may or may not have told her that she wasn’t very nice (albeit in a joking manner). She hones in her hate on me. She mutters under hear breath that I wouldn’t have gotten along with her in high school. Ok, time out. At this point I’m 33 years old. The last time I talked about high school was a very long time ago. I ask her to repeat herself. She definitely said what I thought she said. I knew what she was implying. She was implying that I was a competitive popular girl that was mean. So, why not give the crowd what they want?

In true form to myself, I stand up to the crazy lady and lay it on heavy and nasty. With ice in my voice and a stare right into her hard eyes, I say, “Why? Because you’re the type of person that I would have hit right in the face with a dodgeball or enjoyed shoving in a locker? You clearly don’t seem like the type that would have ever made the cheerleading squad!”. There! I think I have hit every high school insecurity she may have ever had. I smile at her and continue with the game.

Inside my blood is boiling. I’m not sure why she has made so many assumptions about me.  I have been nothing but kind and relaxed the whole night. Her insecurities apparently made her lash out and be rude. I hope the party boy she is with gets out alive and doesn’t end up in her dungeon of despair.

The Greek and I end up winning, obviously. Elvira ends up going to the bathroom and her “date” begins to apologize for her. I honestly feel bad for her and her defensiveness so I brush it off. She comes back and they leave.

The Greek wasn’t someone I felt a connection with other than a friendship and a physical attraction. However, at least I found out that there or normal and fun men out there. I was thankful to have met him and glad to share some laughs.

So, not all of these dates are disasters at least.

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